Breaking Dawn part 1: pagelady’s Snarky Recap

Did you see Breaking Dawn, and laugh at it?  Did you not go, but wish you knew which parts to make fun of?  Or, do you just want to know what happens in this particular sparkly vampire installment, besides what is obvious from the trailer?  Well, Happy Holidays, because the following is my gift to you: a recap of the whole tedious thing.  (Okay, I’ll be honest, really it’s a chance for me to over-share my opinion on every detail.  You’re welcome.)

To start off, we get a literal “breaking dawn” behind the Breaking Dawn title card, similar to the literal “new moon” and “eclipse” we got to open the last two installments.  Since this is a “part 1,” it makes me wonder what they will do to open the “part 2” next November?  Because almost every single Harry Potter movie (except the first one) starts with a WB logo floating towards us in the clouds, usually accompanied by Hedwig’s Theme.  (In Goblet of Fire they use a different song, and the logo floats towards us in the dark).  But in HP 7.2, the movie started with Voldemort getting the elder wand before the logo and title card, so will Breaking Dawn 2 do something similar?  (And *ugh*, I cannot believe I’m talking about Harry Potter within the context of Twilight, it feels so wrong.)

Bella gives us a strange, disembodied voice-over: “Childhood is not from birth to a certain age, and at a certain age the child puts away childish things.  Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.”  What?  Is this movie about Bella leaving childhood?  I don’t remember this quote.  Is it in the book?  Dagnabit, now I’m having to get the stupid thing off my shelf again.  Checking…okay, well OF COURSE it’s in the book, it’s a Twilight movie and it must appease its rabid fanbase.  (The quote in the book is worded slightly differently, and attributed to Edna St. Vincent Millay.)  It doesn’t seem to fit as well here as the opening quotes from the other books/movies, but it’s in the book!  So it must go in!

Moving on: Jacob.  Shirtless.  Within the first 15 seconds of the movie.  This time his disrobing and angry, emo running away are motivated by having just received an invitation to Bella and Edward’s wedding.  In sunny Florida, Bella’s mom also receives an invitation, which is how she finds out her daughter is officially getting married.  (This is to show how Bella and her mom aren’t close, so we don’t feel bad that mom will pretty much fade entirely out of Bella’s life in part 2).

That shirt is coming off in 3...2...

Bella is wearing heels.  But she can’t walk in them!  She drags her feet awkwardly across the Cullen’s back porch while Alice oversees the wedding furniture placement being carried out by the other Cullens.  Bella questions whether she really has to wear these shoes, complaining that she’s already been “breaking them in” for days.  Alice insists, saying that everything has to be “perfect.”  The f–k, Alice?  I will never understand women who truly believe in fashion over comfort and practicality, and besides, it’s Bella’s wedding!  Why doesn’t she get to decide what she wants to do/not do?  I guess taking an active stance on something other than “being with Edward” would be pretty out-of-character.  (Also, Ashley Greene has RUINED the character of Alice for me.  She was one of my favorites in the books and now I can’t see past the famewhore.)  Bella pensively stares at Edward, who is pensively staring from a window at everyone else in his family doing all the work for his big day.  What is he doing just standing up there uselessly by himself?  It’s so…weird.  Alice jumps into Bella’s eyeline and instructs her to “Go home and get some beauty rest.  That’s an order!”  Pleased with herself, Alice smiles and shrugs and does one of those happy little “hmph!”s.  I want to barf up my popcorn.

Bella looks around her nearly-empty bedroom, which I assume is so bare because she has been packing to move in with Edward after the wedding.  Inexplicably, one of the items remaining in her room is what looks like a home-made painting of a sheepdog.  It’s right by her bed.  It’s really distracting.  Bella leans over to touch the dreamcatcher that Jacob gave her in New Moon, and feels an unnatural breeze ruffle her hair.  That’s how she knows her vampire fiance has just flown/jumped in through the window, and sure enough, she turns around to see him standing there like a creep who would sneak into a girl’s bedroom to watch her sleep every night for months without telling her.  (Seriously.  He does this.  In the first one.)

Edward is “Just checking to see if you’re getting cold feet.”  But, “nope,” Bella’s feet are “toasty warm,” she says.  But is he having second thoughts?  “I’ve been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan,” says Edward, setting an impossibly high ideal for romance for young girls everywhere.  (Ladies: no man will ever tell you he’s been waiting “a century” for you, unless maybe he’s using hyperbole.  And if you don’t know what hyperbole is, maybe you should take an interest in furthering your own education beyond an MRS degree.)

Edward is worried that Bella still doesn’t understand the full gravity of the choice she’s making to become a vampire.  “I haven’t told you everything about myself,” he says, and we get a pretty decent flashback to rebellious Edward with red eyes in the earlier part of the 20th century, stalking murderers and rapists to kill and eat, like a blood-sucking, mind-reading Dexter.  “All the men I killed were monsters, and so was I.  They were all human beings and I looked into their eyes as they died and I saw who I was, and what I was capable of.”  Bella justifies, “They were all murderers, you probably saved more lives than you took.”   Then she says “I know I can do this, and I’ll tell you why–because you did.”  Ugh, eye-roll.

Jasper and Emmet show up to drag Edward away to his bachelor party, which doesn’t involved strippers (“boring!”, shouts Emmet), but rather “a few mountain lions, maybe a bear,” Jasper assures Bella.  Edward bids his lady goodnight, saying “I’ll meet you at the alter,” and Bella intones that she’ll “be the one in white,” which Edward says is “very convincing.”  That entire exchange is almost word-for-word straight from the book.  Bella turns out her light and crawls into bed for the last time as single lady Miss Swan.  Seriously, why is this picture of a sheepdog in her room?!

It’s the wedding!  Bella walks towards  Edward between rows of white-clad wedding guests.  She reaches Edward and they smile at each other, then turn towards the minister.  Oh no!  It’s not a minister, it’s the Volturi!  And Edward’s mouth is bloody, and there’s blood on his pretty white tuxedo, and on Bella’s dress, and all the guests are dead in a giant pile beneath their feet, and blood is oozing down the aisle.  (Now that’s a vampire wedding!)  It’s a fake-out, people.  Bella was having a nightmare.

Now it’s time for the real wedding.  Alice is doing Bella’s make-up, chiding, “What did I tell you about beauty sleep?”  Rosalie offers to help do Bella’s hair.  “I’m not offended by your choice of groom,” she explains.  “Just my blatant lack of respect for mortality,” clarifies Bella.  “Essentially,” smiles Rosalie.  “Weddings!  They bring everyone together,” simpers Alice.  I want to punch her in the face.

Charlie and Rene (Bella’s mom and dad) are headed upstairs at the Cullen house to see their daughter.  Charlie notices the frame full of graduation caps hanging on the wall.  “That’s creative!” gushes air-head Rene.  “Or weird,” mumbles Charlie, ripe to be let in on the Cullen’s little secret in part 2.  Rene and Charlie adore Bella’s wedding-day beauty and give her a her “first family heirloom”, which is a haircomb that doubles as a “something old” and “something blue.”  Rene tears up talking about how Bella can pass it on to her eventual children and grandchildren, and Bella and Rosalie get emotional knowing Bella will never have children.  (But the audience has all seen the previews and/or read the book, so we know she’s totally going to get pregnant and we’re not that moved by this scene.)

"It was your great-grandma Swan's", says Charlie, and Rene explains " we added the saphires."

It’s nearly time for Bella and Charlie to walk down the aisle!  Trumpet Voluntary is being played quietly by a string quartet in the background while they wait inside the house.   Outside, human high school friend Jessica wonders aloud whether Bella will be showing or not.   “Bella’s not pregnant,” defends other human friend Angela.  “Um, okay,” says Jessica sarcastically (and hilariously.  Anna Kendrick is golden.)  “Don’t let me fall, Dad,” an emotional Bella implores.  “Never,” responds the steadfast Billy Burke as Charlie (who steals every single scene he’s in.  Like in all the Twilight movies.  I love him.)

I don’t know what the music changes to for the actual processional, but there’s a piano and cymbals so I’m pretty sure it’s movie-soundtrack-music and not actual-organic-to-scene music.  Which is just as well.  Because the whole thing is such high fantasy, why should even the music be realistic?  Bella and Edward’s vows are all intercut, and they are straight-up traditional, followed by “I do.”  Like, the editing makes it look like “I do” is the end of the vows.  And, it’s kind of a minor detail, but it annoys me because it’s just another example of an unrealistic expectation that girls who idealize these stories will carry with them.  Because “I do” is typically said before the vows, like almost the first thing, “Do you so-and-so take this man/woman so-and-so to be your lawfully wedded such-and-such…”  Whatever.  This is a fantasy.  But it bugs me.  I’m also annoyed by how much Bella and Edward make out, at the wedding.  Like, you’re in front of a minister, and all your friends and family, and this is awkward.  They’re seriously lip-locked for 45 seconds, and the camera pans around to show empty chairs because, like, they think they’re in their own little world I guess.  The music is Iron and Wine’s “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” which is the same song they danced to at prom in the first movie, so that’s kind of sweet, but they’re still kissing and it’s like, enough!  Can you be a little respectful for your guests and stop sucking face already?!  Bella does look beautiful though.

Bella and Edward finally come up for air long enough to host their reception.  Several people give toasts, and they’re pretty funny.  Then Edward stands up and things get a bit mushier.  “It’s an extraordinary thing to meet someone you can bare your soul to, who’ll accept you for who you are.  I’ve been waiting for what seems like a very long time to get beyond myself, and with Bella I feel like I can finally begin, so I’d like to propose a toast to my beautiful bride: No measure of time with you will be long enough, but let’s start with forever.”

Esme Cullen with the Denali sisters, whose names I can't remember. Irina, Kate, and....something else.

While mingling with the guests, Edward introduces Bella to their “cousin” vampires, fellow human-blood-abstainers visiting from Alaska.  One of these vampires is upset at the presence of werewolf Seth who was also invited to the wedding, because the vampire that the wolves killed in New Moon had become her lover and now she’s hurt and vengeful.  This is important because in part 2 she’s going to cause a lot of grief for the Cullens, involving the Volturi, but for now Edward shrugs off the tension by saying “What’s a wedding without a little family drama?”

Then Jacob shows up, which Edward the mind-reader picks up on, and Edward leads Bella away from the party near the woods so that her for-all-intents-and-purposes ex-boyfriend can have some totally inappropriate alone time with the bride.  At her wedding.  Bella is so happy to see him she’s almost crying.  Jacob is saying he’s sorry to be ruining her wedding, and that he’s “just trying to appreciate your last night as a human.”  Bella shrugs that it isn’t her last night, and tells him she won’t be turned into a vampire until later because “I don’t really want to spend my honeymoon writhing in agony.”  Jacob wonders what the point of prolonging her transformation is, because it’s not like they can have a “real” honeymoon.  “It’s gonna be as real as anyone else’s,” defends Bella, and then Jacob gets very angry and in danger of phasing and Edward and the other wolves have to run in to push him away, and Bella finally tells him to back off, saying, “I mean it’s really none of your business.”  THANK YOU, Bella, now why didn’t you realize that it was really not appropriate for you to be discussing details of your honeymoon with this guy to begin with, and why were you dancing secluded and alone with him at YOUR wedding, and why was Edward cool with this and not jealous and hurt?  This is ridiculous.  I hate this scene.

Finally it’s time for Bella and Edward to leave, so Rene and Charlie say goodbye (and Charlie breaks my heart, again, telling Bella of his house, “you know it’ll always be your home, right?”)  I notice as they drive off that nobody decorated their car, not even a tasteful sign or window paint.  This is strange to me, it’s like they don’t have any friends, (which is kind of true, they only hang out with each other).  I mean, were all the humans too scared to touch their cars?  Did Emmett and Jasper think it was beneath them?  Did Alice forbid it, proclaiming it a tacky gesture?  I think it’s fun, and loving.  And it doesn’t have to be tacky.  And Prince William and Kate did it, and they are royalty, so I’m just going to assume it’s because the Cullens don’t have any friends, then.

A lovely, tastefully decorated wedding car. William + Kate. See how it's done?

This is where the movie gets REALLY tedious.  We see every little detail, (mainly because there’s not really much else that happens in this first half of the book.)  Now Edward and Bella are driving to the airport.  Now they’re riding in a taxi.  Now they’re walking through the partying streets of Rio, now they’re kissing, now they’re riding a boat.  Now he’s carrying her through the door, and she’s looking around, and the camera is panning around to show us their island cabin.  OMG, there’s a bed!  They’re totally going to do it.  But first, Bella says that she needs “a few human minutes,” and Edward says he’ll go for a swim in the ocean to wait.

Bella’s “human minutes” are set to “Sister Rosetta” (by Noisettes).  She brushes her teeth.  She washes her face.  She shaves her legs.  She tries to pick out something to wear, but Alice has only packed her skimpy lingerie.  Sitting on the floor wrapped in a towel, Bella tells herself, “Don’t be a coward,” and walks out to the beach, dropping her towel by her husband’s slacks, and joining him in the water.  I’m impressed that Edward steadfastly looks at her face and never her chest, but really, it wouldn’t be less chivalrous of him to ogle her nakedness, because they’re married now.  It’s okay!  You can look at your wife.  Anyway, they have sex.  They start kissing in the water and then it transitions to the bed, with mostly close-ups of their faces and his back, (which is awfully freckly for a vampire).

Breaking Dawn: the one where they do it.

The next morning, Bella awakens in a cloud of drifting pillow feathers, and remembers another sex montage set to Sleeping At Last’s song “Turning Page”.  “If I had only felt the warmth within your touch, if I had only seen how you smile when you blush,  or how you curl your lips when you concentrate enough, I woulda known what I was living for all along.”  It’s a pretty appropriate remembering-sex song.  But all is not well in paradise.  Edward is upset that he left bruises all over Bella, and they have this whole argument and he says he’s not going to touch her again “like that” until she’s a vampire.  If you want more details about this scene, just read it in the book, the dialogue is almost word-for-word.  The thing that I fixate on in this scene is that Edward’s polo shirt has a wrinkle in it, right across his chest, and it’s so annoying, and then finally he sits down and it straightens itself out.

Then we get another montage, this one to “From Now On” by The Features, wherein Bella and Edward while away their time on their secluded island playing chess, hiking, swimming, and not having sex.  One night Bella has a dream that Edward touches her “like that”, and she wakes up crying, and Edward’s all, “what wrong?” and there she is literally crying and begging for sex.  I’m so uncomfortable watching this.

Some of the wolfpack members

Fortunately we skip to La Push beach, where Jacob is sulkily waiting to hear that Bella has become a vampire, so he can go kill treaty-breaking Edward.  But Alpha wolf Sam says that’s not going to happen, and now Jacob is sulkily wishing he’d taken his birthright of Alpha male when he’d had the chance.  Watching their imprinted brother wolves happily frolicking with their imprintees, disenfranchised (and single) pack member Leah enviously wishes she could imprint, because “any kind of happy would be better” than what she feels now, but Jacob is disgusted by their condition, because “none of them belong to themselves anymore.”  That’s called foreshadowing, folks.

Back to Isle Esme and the excruciating minutiae of Bella’s every little experience.  She awakes to find herself alone, with a note from Edward saying he’s gone the mainland to hunt and will be back before she wakes up.  “You’re late,” Bella observes to herself, tapping Edward’s note.  (You’re late, I laugh to myself, having read the book and knowing the upcoming plot twist.)  She opens the fridge.  She gets out some chicken.  She cooks the chicken in a pan, and eats a spoonful of peanut butter.  She takes a bite of chicken.  She feels sick.  She runs to the bathroom.  She pukes in the toilet.  (Do we really need to see every little detail?!  I guess there really isn’t anything else to show, since they’re trying to stretch this book out into two movies).  Edward is back now, and Bella asks him to bring her her bag.  When she sees the unopened box of tampons, she starts to figure it out.  “How many days since the wedding?… I’m late.  My period is late.”  Told ya so!

Edward is standing still in catatonic shock.  His phone rings and Bella answers, talking to first Alice and then Carlisle about this seemingly impossible new turn of events.  “Carlisle, I swear, something just moved inside me!”  Finally Edward snaps out of his shock, and runs around the room at vampire speed packing all of Bella’s things.  There’s the controlling young man that I remember from the earlier movies/books!  Bella touches her belly while listening to “Requiem on Water” by Imperial Mammoth, and decides she wants to keep the baby, and then Edward totally kills her happy motherhood buzz by stating “I’m not gonna let it hurt you.  Carlisle’ll get that thing out.” Oh, and also, their housekeeper is suspicious of Edward’s nature, and upset to see that Bella is pregnant, and says in her native language that Bella is gonna die.  This is semi-important for part 2 as well, (the fact that a Brazilian native has folklore knowledge of vampires and vampire-human babies.)

Back in Forks, Jacob has learned from Charlie that Bella caught a bug and had to cut the honeymoon short.  “She sounded…off,” says Charlie.   Convinced that this coded language means she’s a vampire now, Jacob vrooms off on his motorcycle to barge into the Cullens and see for himself.  He’s relieved to see that Bella is alive and human, on the couch.  “You look terrible,” he says cheerfully.  (And she does.  It’s CGI and make-up, but she looks…awful.)  Then she stands up, and oh snap, Jacob sees the cause of her condition in that pregnant belly.  “YOU did this,” he yells, lunging at Edward.  “We didn’t even know it was possible,” explains Carlisle.  (See, they don’t have vampire sex-ed.  Nobody told them how babies are made!)  Edward agrees with Jacob that the baby/fetus is a danger to its mother and should be terminated, but Bella insists, “No.  It’s not his decision.  It’s not any of yours!”

Carlisle tells Bella, "The fetus is incompatible with your body."

Edward wants Jacob to try to talk some sense into Bella, which doesn’t work, but which does produce the brilliant line, “and when you die, what was the point?  Of me loving you, you loving him…how is that right for anyone?  Because I sure don’t see it.”  It’s okay, Jacob, none of us see much “point” to this story, either.  Unable to deter Bella from her decision to carry the baby to term, he states “I know how this ends, and I’m not sticking around to watch.”  Oh, Jacob, I wish I had your courage of conviction.  I know how this is going to end too, and yet here I am watching the whole damn thing.  For the second time.

Jacob phases into wolf form and runs through the woods to join his pack, replaying words and images from what he just witnessed to telepathically relay them to the collective pack mind.  (Because they can hear each others’ thoughts when they’re in wolf form, remember?)  It’s kind of cool at first, but when they meet up and try to have a semi-structured meeting, it devolves into hilarity.  It’s like a cartoon, with the actors growling lines of dialogue at each other as we see snarling wolf snouts with lips that don’t move.  Which, they wouldn’t move their lips if they were just thinking it…but it’s hilarious.  The funniest part is when Jacob defies Sam’s orders to attack the Cullens and destroy this unknown danger.  Jacob shouts, “I.  Will.  NOT! I am the grandson of Ephraim Black!  I am the grandson of the CHIEF!  I wasn’t born to follow you, or anyone else!”  Nepotism for the win.

"I. Will. NOT!" haha, cracks me up every time.

Jake forms his own little wolf pack with Seth and Leah, (although Leah has to beg him to let her stay and pleads “I don’t have to [like you], I just have to follow you.”  Because males have all the power in the Twilight universe.)  The mini-pack is protecting the Cullen house from Sam’s pack, who, having lost the element of surprise, decide to wait for an opportunity to strike.  Meanwhile everyone inside the house is waiting around, Edward in a hilarious turtleneck sweater searching for information on half-vampire babies on Yahoo! while “Cold” by Aqualung and Lucy Schwartz plays in the background, and Bella sits with her legs tucked underneath her in a posture that is impossible for women who are actually pregnant.  But maybe this is another one of the things that’s different with half-vampire hybrid pregnancies, besides the super speedy development rate.

Carlisle tells Bella that her heart will give out before she can deliver, and he won’t be able to “save” her by turning her into a vampire if that happens.  Bella accepts this and says she will just carry the baby as long as she can.  “You have to accept what is,” she tells her bitter husband.  Edward, not accustomed to not getting his way, throws a fit.  “We’re supposed to be partners, but you’ve decided this on your own.  It’s you that’s decided to leave me.  I’ll be the one to miss you, and I don’t choose that.  I don’t choose that.”  I mean, it would suck to be in his position, but when in any previous moment of their relationship did he treat it like a “partnership”?!  Come on.  He’s just pouting because he’s not getting his way.

"I thought he was like me, but he's not, he's like you. Good, and pure, and happy."

Not to worry, soon he’s won over because he “hears” the baby.  He’s a mind-reader, remember?  Although, I’m not sure what he’s “hearing” or what he’s picking up on in order to tell Bella “he likes the sound of your voice…and mine.”  Because unborn babies don’t, you know, talk yet.  They aren’t producing language, they haven’t even been exposed to anything except intonation patterns.  I mean, I guess Edward “sees” into people’s minds too, since he usually witnesses Alice’s visions, but…I’m not sure how to make sense of this part.  No matter, it restores harmony between Bella and Edward, and that’s what’s important.  It’s the only thing that matters, ever.  Right?  RIGHT!?

But they still have a problem–the baby is absorbing too many of Bella’s nutrients, and she can’t keep any food down.  They don’t know what it wants.  Then Edward hears a good idea in Jacob’s thoughts.  “It wasn’t an idea, it was a snide comment,” clarifies Jacob.  “What was it?” inquires Carlisle.  “I was just thinking he probably wants what every bloodsucker wants–someone to sink his teeth into.”  Bella’s gonna have to drink blood, you guys!  “He’s thirsty,” says Rosalie.  “I know the feeling,” says Emmett.  The audience laughs.  Then they (the audience) gasp and recoil when Bella takes her lips off the straw in the donated-blood-cup and says with blood-covered teeth that it “tastes…good.”  News flash, Twihards, vampires drink blood.

None of the Cullens have hunted in awhile, and Dr. Carlisle needs to be at full strength to deliver this baby/try to save Bella.  So Jacob helps create a diversion, distracting half of the wolf pack by telling them he’s planning to kill the baby (“I’m the only one who can get close.  They trust me.”) while Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett make a run for it.  “You played us!” snarl the wolves.  Jake goes inside the Cullen house to find out whether the vamps made it out.  (Yes).  Rosalie prods Bella to tell Jacob about the names she’s picked out for her baby.  “If it’s a boy, E.J.  Edward Jacob.”  Seriously, Bella?  Who names her baby after her husband and ex-boyfriend?  That’s creepy, and weird.  But not as weird as the name she’s thinking of for a girl–“I was playing around with our moms’ names, Rene and Esme…and I was thinking, Renesme.”  Everyone in the audience laughs.  Jacob makes a face.  Edward sucks up to Bella by saying “No, it’s not too weird, it’s beautiful.  It’s unique, which certainly fits the situation.  I like Renesme.”

Bella drops her cup of blood.  She reaches to grab it as it falls to the floor.  OH MY GOD, her back breaks, she falls on her kneecaps, (*crunch*!) it’s the grossest thing ever!  Edward catches her head just before it, too, falls on the floor, and it’s time for an emergency, disgusting c-section.  The birth scene is mostly shot from Bella’s POV, so we see Edward and Jacob’s frantic faces (and Rosalie’s for a bit before she’s overpowered by the smell of blood and kicked out).  We see a glimpse of Bella’s bloated, bruised stomach, and it’s pulsing because the baby can’t breathe and is kicking to get out, and it’s HORRIFYING.  Edward bites through the placenta (we hear it, don’t see it), and comes up with a bloody mouth cradling a bloody little baby.  It’s Renesme!

Renesme is bloody except for around her eyes, like she was wearing googles in the womb. Either that or Edward licked her eyes clean?

Edward lays the baby on Bella’s chest, where it promptly bites her.  *crunch*!  Bella smiles and then appears to die.  Rosalie takes the baby while Edward and Jacob frantically work to revive Bella.  Edward stabs a syringe of his venom into her heart, bites her extremities, performs chest compressions, and varies his inflection to try to save her.  “You’re not dead.  You’re NOT dead.  Come on, come ON!”

Jacob can’t take it anymore.  He tells Edward, “I won’t kill you, that’d be too easy.  You deserve to live with this.”  Bella’s dead, and he really is going to kill that baby now.  He sneaks up on Rosalie holding Renesme in a chair by the fire.  The baby is looking over Rose’s shoulder, and shifts her eyes to connect with Jacob’s.  Boom, cheesy voice-over of Jacob explaining what imprinting is while we see images of grown-up Renesme (which helps make this slightly, but only slightly, less creepy).  Jacob literally falls to his knees worshiping this newborn.

"It's like...gravity. Suddenly your whole world shifts, and you would do anything, be anyone she needed. A friend, a brother, a protector."

The wolves know that Bella’s dead.  They’re racing through the forest for a rumble at the Cullens.  The vampires are outnumbered, since those on the hunting trip haven’t returned yet.  Edward has to leave Bella’s side to go fight.  They’re losing but nobody is dying, (because this fight didn’t happen in the book so nothing consequential can come of it), then the other three vampires show up and it’s more of an even but still very tense stand-off.  Finally Jacob gets off his knees in the living room and comes running out between the two groups.  “Stop!  If you kill her, you kill me!” he declares.  Edward explains, “Jacob imprinted.  They can’t hurt her.  Whoever a wolf imprints on can’t be harmed.  It’s their most absolute law.”  Might be my favorite line in the whole movie.  Definitely competing with “I. Will. NOT!” for funniest line.

So, everything is cool now, we just have to wait for Bella to wake up as a vampire.  (Oh yeah, her heart started beating again).  As the venom burns through her veins, her hair gets shinier, and her bony body fills back in, she remembers her human life to a remix of “Bella’s Lullaby” by Carter Burwell (from the first Twilight movie).  Her human life memories consist almost entirely of scenes with her and Edward, but also that one time she was a ballerina (that they used in the first movie), and an impossible memory of herself as a baby with Rene and Charlie.  Then, as the music swells, the last little red blood cell crystallizes with vampire venom and her heart beats one last, shuddering time.  It’s dead quiet, (haha), as everybody holds their breath and waits.  Edward’s waiting, but Bella’s eyes are still closed.  Alice is waiting, all the Cullens are waiting.  Bella’s eyes are…OPEN!  BAM!  RED EYES!  THE END!

There’s a little scene with the Volturi after the initial credits, (which are rather jarring in red, white, and black and set to “I Didn’t Mean It” by The Belle Brigade.) Aro, Caius, and Marcus learn that “Carlisle has added a new member to his coven,” and kill off their human secretary because she mis-spelled “Carlisle”.  Marcus sighs for most of his dialogue and Aro says their feud with the Cullens isn’t over because, obviously, there is a part 2 yet to come, and “they have something I want.”

So that’s my Breaking Dawn recap.  Please feel free to leave me your comments, but only if they’re glowing compliments.  It’s my most absolute law.  Just kidding.  I’m not a super-controlling vampire.



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13 responses to “Breaking Dawn part 1: pagelady’s Snarky Recap

  1. Okay, you know what I can’t stand about this post? Two things: 1) I didn’t write it and 2) I can’t “Press” it. I absolutely admire your stamina and strong stomach.


  2. Sounds like it was at least loyal to the book – which is something I wish other movies did more of. But in this case, I think I’ve already seen it and won’t bother again. 🙂 Thanks for the recap – it was quite funny.

  3. Twilight is often compared to Harry Potter. It’s rather strange. They both have very large fanbases with a significant cultural impact, but that’s about all they have in common; they’re practically rivals, with each a very different culture and demographic composition.

    Regardless, nice commentary. The movie sounds disgusting. Also what’s up with Alice’s idea that a wedding isn’t perfect unless the bride is wearing a certain style of shoes? And why does Alice pack Bella’s clothes? Was that mentioned?

    • Alice is always all about styling people and hosting lavish parties. In the books, when Bella agrees to marry Edward they plan to elope, and then Alice is like, “Do you hate me, Bella? Why won’t you let me plan your wedding?” In New Moon she buys Bella the dress she wants her to wear to her own birthday party. I think the excuse for Alice packing for Bella’s honeymoon was that Bella didn’t know the destination and was supposed to be surprised, but it’s pretty much something she would have done anyway.

  4. I freaking love it, I was googling sth else, came to your blog and laughed my ass off.

  5. Suz

    I love this!! As a lover of all written word, I’ve read (and been both upset and offended) by all of the Twilight books. And although I haven’t seen any movie past the first one (’cause that was enough controlling, love-sick, boringness for me), I loved your review!! I really wasn’t sure how they were planning to split up the book into two, because although I can see how they’d feel it’s possible, it’s not enough material for a split. Anyways, I want to thank you for this review, since it means I now know what happens but I don’t have to sit through it.

    I guess I should clarify that I didn’t hate the Twilight books. I liked the idea, I just hated the controlling ALL of the vampires do and the incredible submissive that Bella is. Twilight fanfiction is the way to go 🙂

  6. i want to know what her father says when he figures it out i know bellas keeping it a secret and her dad knows somethings but i just want to see what he says

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  8. Marnie

    That was the FUNNIEST THING EVAAAA!!!!!! I love all the twilight movies, but I love making fun of them even more and I laughed so hard at this recap I almost peed on myself. You are an awesome writer!!!!! I’m still laughing. And notice how Jacob doesn’t say “I”, he says “aaayyyye” will. Not. It’s so rediculously annoying and distracting. I mean, why couldn’t he just say “I” like a normal person????? Haha “aaaayyyye. Will. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!”. Aaahhhhh good stuff.

  9. Pingback: Breaking Dawn part 2: pagelady’s Snarky Recap | pagelady

  10. How much time did it require u to compose “Breaking Dawn part 1:
    pageladys Snarky Recap | pagelady”? It contains a bunch of really good details.

    Thank you -Drew

  11. Pingback: Thoughts on Twilight’s Gender-Flip | pagelady

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