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Transformers: Dark of the Moon notes

I wrote 11 pages of notes while watching the third transformers movie. that was partly because i had to space everything out so i wouldn’t write over things accidentally–it’s always a little hard to see in a theater and it was especially dark with the 3D glasses. anyway, here are some of the things i jotted down. if you haven’t seen the movie they might not make much sense. if you plan to see the movie, there might be some spoilers below. these are unedited, rough thoughts; if you want to read my official review check it out here.

  • my eyes hurt 5 minutes in from the 3D. not a good sign.
  • there is some real, historical footage from the space race in there, right?
  • hello, rhw’s butt.
  • sam and i are both looking for a job!
  • how secret could that be? transformers secret ops. oh really?
  • revisionist history!
  • (so is it [InErd3an] or [InErgan]?) Energon reading, sir. it’s strong. it’s fast. it’s coming below us!
  • nice transformation, optimus semi!
  • ‘first job after college is critical. you either take a step on the right career path or you fall into a lifesucking abyss.’  gee thanks, john malkovich.
  • is that really buzz aldrin? (yes, it was)
  • why would ‘the honor’ be optimus’ to meet buzz?
  • what the hell is rhw’s job?
  • oh, collecting cars? then why was she at the white house?
  • oh, she was working at the british embassy? what an obvious career change.
  • um, is megatron gonna hunt some zebras?
  • okay no, he’s just hanging out in africa i guess. recycled footage again i bet.
  • sam is an a-hole, unsupportive/jealous boyfriend
  • um, why ‘suicide’ wang if you are just going to blow up the whole office totally NON undercover next anyway?
  • maybe should have taken sentinel’s sword before re-energon-izing him
  • ‘you’re home’; uh no, you’re on earth?! this isn’t your planet!
  • ‘that woman just called me a messenger. after everything i’ve done. d’you believe that?” YES sam, now sit DOWN and shut UP!
  • Wash! i love him. he’s…uh…french?
  • ‘a double tap to the cerebellum’, wtf?!
  • when he calls her angel, is that a victorias secret reference?
  • sam: i just want to matter! carly: you matter to me! sam: (eh, no thanks, that’s not enough, i still need to run around blowing stuff up and being called a hero by people that i think matter.) idiot.
  • isn’t it her house, though? why’s she leaving?
  • is ‘dutch’ (wash) german? “shtup”
  • hey sam, way to tell random russian astronauts (oops, i mean cosmonauts) about the super secret space bridge
  • it’s definitely [InErd3an], but josh duhamel said [InErgan] once.
  • mid-air transformations are pretty cool/funny
  • what is the decepticon blood stuff?
  • ‘i am a prime. i do not take orders from you!’ -sentinel prime to lady leader
  • ‘take a look, optimus! this is all on you!’ -lady leader refusing to accept responsibility for her behavior/choices. just like sam
  • sam, you are so annoying. wth was that convo w/ your parents, and it ended so abruptly too. ‘get as far away from here as possible,’ with no explanation.
  • so, do space bots care about human (american) historical symbols? (destroying lincoln memorial statue)
  • and, why do they want to come to earth?
  • oh of course, everybody is in on this supposedly super secret transformer stuff
  • ‘no more aliens shootin’ at my ass, i got a dream job’, -epps.  actually good line! only person to appreciate what he has so far.
  • okay, so, the autobots weren’t a secret?
  • sam’s ear wiggles when he tries not to cry as bumblebee says goodbye
  • why the heck would people be useful slaves to machines? we’re way less efficient
  • why bother explaining eveything, including how the cells work, to carly? (well, so the audience knows how to tell when/how we’ve won)
  • if you want to use humans as slaves, why blow them up? dumb. just more Bay explosions
  • geez, people get vaporized!
  • ‘for today, in the name of freedom, we take the battle to them’ -optimus prime. (whatever. that’s the fourth-of-july-release-weekend part, i guess.)
  • but there are only like 8 autobots, and they are going to help save earth? by defying diplomacy?
  • oh, don’t give this kid a gun! come on.
  • HAHAHA! yeah right sex symbol can fight off her goon guard and outrun him in heels to the window ledge
  • why is lady leader nodding and taking notes on obvious suggestions from conspiracy theorist guy? stoopid
  • hmm, maybe sex symbol is wearing flats? yep, flats. nope, HEELS.
  • danke schoen=german, right? so ‘dutch'(wash) is german?
  • those wing suits are cool, but i’ve seen them before, in tomb raider 2.
  • ‘target! decepticon!’ o rly?
  • air surfing, AGAIN? hmm
  • take the parachute off once you land, dummy!
  • OPTIMUS! you’re busy fighting, but i’mma yell at you!
  • it’s probably a good thing they talk while they fight because otherwise there wouldn’t be much dialogue
  • hmm, no mercy from optimus for sentinel even when he begs (says, ‘no, optimus!’)
  • i guess that really was buzz aldrin (credits)
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michael bay, hemingway?

i just got back from watching transformers: dark of the moon.  i’ll put a review up on my digest movies site soon, but something that struck me during one of the explosion-filled fight scenes (when my mind was starting to wander a bit) was that the female characters in this movie are exactly like the ones in ‘for whom the bells toll’, that have been criticized as i mentioned in an earlier post.  you’ve got resident sex symbol girlfriend, (rosie huntington-whitly or whatever the crap her full name is, who replaced megan fox in the same role, not without controversy), and she’s the shallow stereotype, screaming and running in heels and being filmed from a lusty angle all the time.  seriously, when she first comes on screen it’s like, oh hi rhw’s butt.  and legs. and legs from the front.  aaaaand finally we pan up to see her face. but only so she can jump on the bed and straddle her boyfriend that she sooo adores for no good reason that we see in this film.  because he isn’t kind or sweet to her, he’s not a sugar daddy, he doesn’t support her, he’s not even romantic.  it’s a boy fantasy movie.

then, you’ve got a high-powered military lady, i forget what her official title was but it was something like head of national security maybe.  calling all the shots.  played by frances mcdormand.  but she’s very brusque, wears pantsuits, (while rhw wears slinky, short dresses and hells. or no pants at all like the first scene), and actually reprimands people when they refer to her as ma’am!  She says, on more than one occasion, “don’t call me ma’am.  do i look like  a ma’am?”  at one point rhw’s comeback to this is, “well you are a woman, aren’t you?”  supposed to be hilarious.  ah ha ha, what a bitch, she doesn’t even know if she’s a woman or not, she crazy, how did she get this job anyway? let’s laugh at her, because she’s so harsh! and because she won’t let little main character sam come in and waltz all over the place.  “you’re breaking my chain of command,” she says.  she should have said, sit DOWN sam witwickey!  (i have no idea if i’ve spelled that right or not.)

anyway, i’d better cut it off here or i’ll run out of steam before i write my real review.  i just wanted to point out the similarity between hemingway’s and bay’s female characters here, because i probably won’t get into it on my other blog.

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